An Epically Crappy Weekend and Roeper Returns!

I wish I could say that I have a great reason for the lack of posting over the last week, but the reality is that I'm simply still trying to recover from a weekend in which Norbit (staring Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy! and Eddie Murphy!!!) not only took home the top spot, but brought in $34 million. I would say that everyone who attended a screening of the film should be ashamed of themselves, but clearly, they have no shame.

Going into the February 2nd weekend I joked that we might be looking at a new all time low for combined Rotten Tomatoes scores among the weekend's top five films, the previous all time low having been set the weekend before at 23.8%. Well guess what, I was right. Headlined by The Messengers, my predicted number one, that weekend had a combined 18.8% on RT. Pretty good right?

But those poor films hadn't reckoned on the sheer awfulness of Norbit. Like a slow motion car-wreck, involving a fat-suit of course, Norbit led an even classier group of five films that captured audiences' attention with a combined 18.6% score at Rotten Tomatoes. Let me be the first to congratulate Norbit, Hannibal Rising, Because I Said So, The Messengers and Night at the Museum. You accomplished something terrifically crappy this past weekend, and now no one can take that away from you. (Sidenote: Night at the Museum somewhat artificially inflated each of the past two weeks scores with its 45% rating. Otherwise, the top four from both weeks would have come in at a staggering 12.3 and 12 respectively.)

It's also been some time since we visited with our good friend Richard Roeper. Now, it almost seems hard to believe, but Rotten Tomatoes has only uploaded five new Roeper reviews in the past month. What is this man doing all day? I mean, I understand he's a big time columnist and all, but doesn't he realize there's a nation of movie-goers who count on his sterling words of wisdom and insight? Even more upsetting is the fact that he wasn't sent to watch any of the real pieces of shit everyone seems so intent on paying money to see. No Epic Movie, no Because I Said So, no Norbit, not even any Messengers. Utterly unbelievable. But without further ado, here's a somewhat tardy version of This Week in Roeper:

• Alpha Dog - "Justin Timberlake has what it takes to be a genuine movie star."


• Arthur and the Invisibles - "Strange and kind of meandering."


• Alone With Her - "Alone With Her plays like an extended voyeur video with nothing new to say about hidden cameras or stalkers or anything."


• Catch And Release - "I was pleasantly surprised."


• Seraphim Falls - "Though the chase threatens to go on too long, the suspense remains high because we don’t know which man is the real villain, or if there’s a villain at all."

This Week in Roeper

Apparently our friend Mr. Roeper got this week off because he hasn’t reviewed any of the new releases. It's a sin too as we're left to only imagine what he would have made of a treat like Epic Movie. But just because he didn't take on any of this week's releases doesn't mean he's getting off the hook. So in the interest of helping you feel just a little bit smarter, I went back a couple of weeks to find some new-ish literary gems for the latest edition of This Week in Roeper. Enjoy!

• Curse of the Golden Flower - “It’s operatic in its feeling and there’s a lot going on here. And there’s murders and betrayals, and affairs that are illicit, and women on horse-back and great fight scenes.”


• Perfume: The Story of a Murderer - “Hated this movie. Hated it.”


• Miss Potter - “The story really grows on you and it’s very sweet and it’s beautiful to look at.”


• Pan's Labyrinth - “Del Toro’s made a lot imaginative films. I think this is his masterpiece to date.”


• The Painted Veil - “Sweeping vistas, period-piece sets, impeccable literary source, a little stolid at times, but ultimately quite impressive.”

This Week in Roeper

Regular readers of Rotten Tomatoes will know that there's a lot of random critics that have gotten themselves worked into the website's formula. This is part of what makes RT so much fun. For the truly snobbish however, the site still compiles a "Cream of the Crop" list of reviewers working for more established, highly regarded publications. Among these Cream reviewers, there's a lot of eloquent and thoughtful critics; men and women who understand film and know how to express an opinion that heightens their readers' understanding of a given film. And then there's Richard Roeper.

To recap quickly, Richard Roeper is a humor columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times, a.k.a. the Chicago Tribune's ginger stepchild. After Gene Siskel's death left Roger Ebert without a partner, the producers of Siskel and Ebert gave a handful of folks a tryout to fill the empty seat. Roeper emerged victorious, despite a tragically inferior appreciation of film.

Now, I don't watch Ebert & Roeper, but I will read Roger Ebert's print reviews every once in a while. But conveniently, Rotten Tomatoes pulls a quote from each critic giving me a chance to experience a little bit of Richard Roeper every week. From what I can tell, he doesn't actually write any reviews, instead only delivering them orally, but that's no excuse for saying something that might as well have come out of the mouth of an eight year old.

Each Sunday, join me in enjoying the best of Richard Roeper, presented without comment to preserve it's original genius. So without further ado, here's This Week in Roeper:

• The Queen - "It’s beautifully written and the acting is just pinpoint perfect."


• Volver - "It’s very moving, It’s beautifully done."


• Notes on a Scandal - "It is a chilling, memorable performance by Dame Judith, who will earn many award nominations, as should Blanchett. They are the perhaps the most impressive acting duo in any film of 2006. And Bill Nighy is their equal."


• Night at the Museum - "It’s just so dopey."


• Dreamgirls - "As much as I appreciated the performances from the terrifically talented cast -- as much as I liked Dreamgirls -- I didn't love it. Maybe it was just a little too slick and over the top for its own good."